Tag Archives: big book

Free Will In Addiction Recovery

23 Dec

recovery

A drug is a drug is a drug… the question asked was if “I am just an addict, does that mean that I can still drink alcohol?” While this question always leads to a heavy debate of life experience, personalities and sheer ignorance, my answer to this question would be No.  If followed the logic of this statement – that would mean that since I am ‘just’ an alcoholic I can go and use other mind altering substances to my heart’s content because they aren’t my drug of choice.

Flawed logic.

Powerful. Cunning. Baffling.

Alcohol & drugs are all of these things.

Of course I would love an excuse to use a mind altering substance… why wouldn’t my disease convince me that it was okay to do so. My disease thrives on this… it’s a form of chaos, confusion and justification for unhealthy behaviors that I know will feel good. The only reason I put addictive substance into my body is to feel good, numb, with a false sense of control.

If you are asking yourself if drinking is okay because you are an addict, not an alcoholic… then your relapse has already occurred.

My drinking was an external manifestation of my disease. It was a symptom of the spiritual sickness that existed, and still exists, within me. Drifting into the land of complacency and justification for behaviors and actions that we know are not healthy for us is frightening. How far will we push the boundaries of what is acceptable, permitted and healthy for our recovery?

I know that many will disagree with me, but if I don’t have the truth of ‘a drug is a drug is a drug’ imbedded into my psyche, I will quickly slide to a place that I never wish to return to again for the rest of my life. For me the answer is total abstinence. For you the answer may be different. Try some controlled drinking… see how that works for you.

If I could drink like a normal person I’d drink every day. Let that last statement sit with you for a short period of time. See if you grasp what that statement of supposed fact actually means.

Then… . you will realize that saying you are ‘just’ an addict and therefore can drink alcohol… is nothing but your disease whispering sweet nothings into your ear.. Your disease is hoping, praying and working damn hard to be actively alive. Whether or not it succeeds…well… that’s up to you.

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“The Only Requirement…

31 Oct

… is a desire to stop drinking.”

I was so happy to read this.  What a weight taken off of my shoulders.  Just a desire?? I can do that.  I did that and have been doing that one day at a time since January 17, 2009.

I follow a simply program that has a solid structure.  I don’t pick up.  Sounds simple but it is a daily requirement.  I have to remind myself every morning that “Today I won’t pick up” just for today. I admit that I don’t attend meetings like I should, I’ve been bad about that over the past 6 months.  I have a solid structure in place at home, my home is dry and I associate with individuals that don’t drink.  I don’t go to clubs or bars and I don’t associate with individuals that I used with.  I know this isn’t enough.  For me, I have to have the structure of a recovery community.

I am lucky, I have a family and an occupation that understands my need to place recovery above all else. If I don’t stay sober I will lose everything.  The place where I live, the respect of people I care about, my business and most importantly my life.  If I use I will die, it is just that simple.

When I started this blog this evening I had no idea what I wanted to do with it.  I still don’t know what I want to do with it.  I compare this to going into a book store and looking at the addiction and recovery section.  I do this with every book store I enter.  I have no idea what title I am looking for or what enlightenment I am hoping to achieve through finding “the” book that will make everything make sense.  I realized that I already have it, for me it’s the Big Book.

No, I am not going to get preachy about AA.  I admit that I adhere to the principles set down in the Big Book and that they have worked for me, but everyone is different.  As human beings that suffer with disease (and in my mind it is a disease) there may not be one single method that will work.  For me, I wish there was a “cure”, but for me there isn’t a simple cure.  I had to completely change my lifestyle and I work daily to control the trickster that is in my brain.

This trickster likes to tell me that I have it all under control, that I have been sober enough to live without talking to other addicts and working a program of recovery.  My trickster lies.  What does your trickster tell you?

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